_my here. my now_ my exact current moment. Capturing the beauty of the simple, silly, normal things of my Fridays. If you want to play along leave a link to your post in the comments.
It all started with the toes.
We did paint our toe nails like I promised Ivy, hers were pink, Ayla's blue mine deep purple. It was a fun moment, laughing, giggling, wiggling our toes to dry, Ayla screaming on the floor wiping her blue polish all over my carpet, a nice "us" time.
I don't know if it was because Ivy was being whiny, miserable, acting out kid or because Ayla was being her spicy self along with Ivy's special self, or because I was sick of time outs and hearing my own voice yell and yell. But I knew we needed to change something.
I don't like yelling. And I am finding I go to it more and more.
I read this article floating around facebook. It gave me lots to think about, maybe there is a better way for my family to do discipline.
Here's how I see it, Ivy does something that doesn't fit into my idea of proper behaviour for a 3 year old (there is stuff I need to work on here as well), I yell and say something like Why did you do that! Ivy NO! That was not a good choice (I actually like this wording, about choices, but I need to not yell it) then Ivy is sent to a time out, upstairs alone. Time outs don't really bother her much anymore, and she goes up there and purposely gets in more trouble because at this point she is just seeking attention whether negative or positive. Once again I get mad and yell, more time outs, more behaviours BAD DAY.
Obviously this cycle is not working for us. So I said to my self "Self no more yelling, no more useless timeouts. FInd a new solution."
Ivy gave me the perfect way to try a new solution.
She was caught upstairs with my nail polish open painting her WHOLE foot with blue sparkly polish. I didn't yell. I picked her up and put her on the bed, I explained that she broke my trust using the nail polish with out me (something she knows not to do) and so the consequence of that was her losing her nail polish. So we sat there as I wiped off her pretty pink toes, she kicked a bit, and cried a bunch. Then I picked her up and we sat on the floor, she told me I had dumped her bucket when I took off the nail polish, she said this to my face, tears in her eyes and another thing clicked in me.
I need to leave room for all emotions. For Ivy's tears, for my frustration, for Keith's anger, for Ayla's pain whatever it is, whoever it is from I need to give them room to have this feeling and not judge it or want to change it because it makes me uncomfortable, grumpy or tired.
So I looked at her with little tears in my eyes and said that "she dumped my bucket too when she used the nail polish without me, because it makes me sad to have to take off your pretty pink nail polish."
(this bucket thing I am talking about is from the worlds best children's literature, Have You Filled a Bucket Today? By Carol McCloud. Essentially it is that everyone has a invisible bucket and we spend the day either dipping into or filling peoples buckets and our own. It has changed Ivy, she understands empathy, it is incredible!)
She looked at me and said "Oh no" and dove into my arms. We sat there cuddling and calming down together. She felt safe and was given space to cry and be sad. I didn't get angry because I left room for her emotion and still dealt out a consequence, but I did it all with love.
I like this new method. I know I will still mess up, yell, threaten, get angry. But I am going to try to change, because it is worth it for these babes of mine and better for myself.
TODAY: Doctors for Ayla's bum this morning. Maybe some mom time this aft! Busy weekend, bar-b-q's, church, huge playdate at the park! Happy weekend everyone.
